From Despair to a Living Hope

In June of 2017, I was plunged into agonizing suffering involving insomnia, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. In the span of three months, I did everything I could to get better. I read a self-help psychology book, I prayed to God for help, read a lot of the Bible, researched like crazy on the internet for help, was prescribed 6 different drugs, and was even admitted into a mental hospital for suicidal patients for 2 weeks. All the help the world had to offer mysteriously had the opposite effect on me; instead of getting better, I grew worse. Towards the end of the third month, I lost 15 pounds and felt hopeless. My depression was so thick and dark that I felt as though I was a dead body walking around. My mind was constantly tortured with overwhelming fears, which increased my anxiety and panic attacks producing chest pains bringing me to my knees in tears throughout the day. Seeing no way out, I reviewed my life insurance plan and thought to end myself, but I was scared before God and my heart broke whenever I thought about leaving my family without a dad and husband. Then at the end of three months, not knowing what to do, I simply gave up and stopped trying. God brought me to the absolute end of myself. By the grace of God, the next day my depression lifted. But the fearful thoughts, panic attacks, insomnia, and suicidal thoughts still remained.

Then, it was at this time the Lord used my dad to give me a book called, The Handbook to Happiness, by Dr. Charles Solomon. This book miraculously explained what I was going through, and what God was doing in me. A light switch turned on. I received counseling from my Dr. John Woodward from the author’s ministry called, Grace Fellowship International. Along with his and my dad’s help, I started to read and listen to many other resources and they all pointed to the same solution: To die to myself and let Christ live His life through me. God showed me through Galatians 2:20, Romans 6-8, and other verses that I died with Jesus 2,000 years ago and that it was no longer I who lived, but Christ who lives in me. But the problem was, my flesh, or the self-life, was battling the Spirit of Christ dwelling in me for control over my mind and body. The only way to hand over control to Jesus was to deny my flesh, and I realized only God could do this for me.

Through the intense suffering, Jesus slowly and graciously brought me to a point of complete surrender to Him. God enabled me to give up all my rights, to be healthy, respected, comfortable, loved, appreciated, receive good things, have a family, and have friends. I gave up all my hopes, dreams, career aspirations, goals, what I thought was best to serve God, my right to take my own life, and everything else. Then, the Holy Spirit led me to act on Romans 12:1 and offer myself as a living sacrifice to God to do with me whatever He pleased, not caring whether I lived or died. Then, I made up my mind to stop trying and understand, but instead fully trust God with everything. It was here I was challenged to whether I truly believed in the promises in the Bible or not. I knew if they were not true, I would surely die. Over the months, I wrote down many promises in the Bible that pertained to me and I meditated on a couple of them at a time all day. The three most powerful truths I hold onto are: His grace is enough for me at all times from 2 Corinthians 12:9, He uses all things for my good from Romans 8:28, and it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me from Galatians 2:20. I took the promises by faith, hung my life on them, and jumped into the abyss expecting God to catch me.

After this revelation, I was still in agony, but now I had hope in God. As I desperately hung onto His promises each day, God started to slowly restore my mind and soul. The first month was very painful, but He started to breathe life into me. He started to increase my faith and gave me more hope through His promises. When I rebuked the suicidal thoughts in the name of Jesus Christ, those thoughts immediately ceased to my amazement. So, it was there I realized those suicidal thoughts were not from me, but were from the devil. I was then able to rebuke the fearful thoughts away in Jesus name. That was a crucial discovery. Over the next 3 to 4 months, God miraculously restored me. He stopped the anxiety and panic attacks, restored my sleep, freed me from all medications, and gave me peace of mind. He lovingly blessed me through this suffering. I now know and believe Jesus died on the cross not only to save me from hell, but He also came to rescue me from hell on earth by being my life. I no longer dare trust myself again, but now strive to live by faith in Jesus alone. This is the “abundant life” Jesus spoke of in John 10:10 and Jesus’ command to deny yourself, carry your cross, and follow Him in Matthew 16:24. Dying to self and letting Christ live through us is something that must be done daily until we are done with this life. This truth is not just for me, but for every child of God. If you are over-burdened right now and face a seemingly impossible situation, I tell you the truth, that burden was never meant for you to carry but for Jesus alone. So I urge you to unload your burdens onto Jesus, and take His promises in the Bible by faith. Your life is not your own for He purchased you with His blood. Your life now belongs to Jesus and He expects to live His life through you for His glory and your complete satisfaction.

3 Replies to “From Despair to a Living Hope”

  1. Dear Brother in Christ

    I came across your youtube videos in july this year when i started suffering a confusing time of physical ill symptoms accompanied by bad anxiety and panic atracks out of ‘nowhere’ seemed.
    I have been a Christian all my life and i came to the revelation that Christ is my life in 2012. So as i went through this time of illness and anxiety i heard all these the time i did not realise it was the devil trying to rob me of my life but by the grace of Father i realised what was going on…then one day after i started watching your videos you said that God is breaking my outer man and that was a revelation moment for me and i praise God for that because things started getting better from there on…i still had symptoms and then you said in another video that maby i haven’t completely surrendered my all to Him and so i prayed and i did…then i had bible study with my very good friend who is also a christ life believer and who is my homeopathic doctor, what a blessing (and we differ 49 years!) And i discussed some things with her as she already knew all i was going through and helping me through it, and i shared what i learned through your videos and then i said, maby God allowed me to get sick to get me to this point of completely surrendering to Him so that He can break my outer man, and then she said no. God did not allow you to become sick. God does not make us sick or bring bad things to us so that we will submit, but, He can use those sircumstances for His glory. And then, when i realised that God did not make me sick, it is like i just realised that this anxiety and illness was a lie, and since that day, 1 sep 2020, i have not had anxiety again. I have truly been set free.

    I wanted to share my story in short and maby you can ask the Lord if you can share some knowledge about why people believe God is the one who makes us suffer or causes suffering.

    You are truly blessed to have this message of truth at such a young age and so are we. Thank you for sharing all your stories i believe it touches a lot of hungry hearts out there.

    Blessings to you and your Family.



    1. Hi Deidre, I’m thankful to God you have been delivered! Praise the Lord. Many people have the same question or issue as you have brought up. My answer comes from observing how God acted in the Bible; both Old and New Testament and what is said in the Bible. First off, when someone says God does not allow sickness or suffering, that means God is not all powerful because there are many Christians that have been sick or suffered. So, we know that statement is not true since God is indeed all powerful. Also, people who say God does not cause sickness would probably say God does not kill people as well since killing can be seen as more severe than causing sickness. However, we know God had caused plagues (sickness) on the Israelites at times and not only caused them to become sick but many died as a result. God killed almost everyone on earth by Noah’s flood. God killed Ananias and Sapphira when they lied about the proceeds of the land they sold. God allowed a thorn in Paul’s side. God allowed satan to afflict Job. So, when someone denies God does not sometimes cause or allow sickness or death is creating an imaginary God that fits what they want to think and not according to what we know in the Bible.

      I’m glad you were healed. It very well may have been the devil that afflicted you, but to say God did not allow you to struggle with anxiety and illness (if you were indeed sick), is simply wrong because you did.

      It is often difficult for us to know whether God causes or allows things to happen to us that causes suffering (eg there is no evidence in the Bible Job ever found out why he was afflicted), but what we do know is that God uses all things for the good of His children. And for many saints, myself included, God used suffering to bring us to the end of ourselves to be able to totally surrender, trust, and rest in Him.

      God bless you!


      1. Also, one thing I’d like to add is that I can see one possible reason on how you were freed from anxiety. You realized it was a lie. Anxiety is created from fear, and every unholy fear is a lie and not from God. So, if you stop believing the lie, the fear that causes the anxiety loses it power.


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